I can't sleep, cause I woke up late yesterday. So I turned and turned in my bed and my mind starts to wander. Why do I feel so incomplete? Why do I feel inadequate? Why do I feel like I'm searching for something but with no clue of what I've been searching for? And so, I switched on youtube and there it stood. A link to the verse that would change my endless tiring search. Ayat Al-Kursi, the Verse of the Throne...
And as it states:
"Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, The Self-subsisting, Eternal. No slumber can seize Him Nor Sleep. His are all things In the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede In His presence except As he permitteth? He knoweth What (appeareth to His creatures As) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass Aught of his knowledge Except as He willeth. His throne doth extend Over the heavens And on earth, and He feeleth No fatigue in guarding And preserving them, For He is the Most High. The Supreme (in glory)."
As soon as I heard the Verse being read in such a poetry, tears came rolling down my eyes. How could I be so ignorant. In my long search, never even once had it came to me that, what I seek is staring back at me in the face. How have I not noticed that I've been lost without it for such a long time? How self-absorbed was I with this world to not see, the thing that I've lost and have been seeking was my faith, my religion, my Islam?
It hit me hard. Allah S.W.T. That's Whom I should be seeking help from. All this while, when I was feeling lonely, depress and sad, He was there. Even when I'm feeling happy, joyous and cheerful, He was there. I was wrong to take Him for granted all this while. Subahanllah. When I was happy and having fun, I lost myself to the world. The seduction towards earthly matters, wealth and entertainment blinded me. This too was the same when I was depress and sad. I mourned and started to detest life. The pain and sorrow misguided me and again, I was sailing myself further and further away from Him. From Him the Almighty but still He was there.
Regret... I call myself a muslim and I preach when first I should've comprehend. All the terrible things I've done in life. Things that can't be undone. Sins that I made. The 5 daily prayers that I missed. Even when I do pray, the 'khusyuk' I can never have. A muslim am I? Where is the Islam in me when these things I do, I feel no fault? Where is the Islam in me when I preach and deed not? Where is the Islam in me, when time after time I regret and repent not? Where is the Islam in me? Where lies my Iman? These are the things that I should've seek all this while but instead I was mislead by my own ignorance and the promises of this short, non permanent existance we call life.
In a leap of faith, with what is left of the Islam in me, I truly repent and with prayers I wish, His blessings shall guide me back to the path of the one and true Islam, the path of life and of course the path to Him. Amin....
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